Hit Low Note

I feel myself is such a disappointment to anyone, especially those who love me dearly. From the past to present, I have been hurt and disappoint those whom I love....my parents, sister and now my girlfriend. Failure is the right word to use to describe me. The more I'm trying to impress them, the more disappointment they get. I'm trying to learn from my past experience and trying to please my girlfriend but it is just another failure for me. She wants me to travel and stay over at her house. That is not a problem to me but she told me last minute. That really caught me out of surprise....I'm sorry because I don't like to travel without planning. The contradict part was she likes to travel and can just pack and go that type of person. What makes me small is that she compare me with Mr K....then compare with Mr B....along my life till current day....my love one keep compare me with people around me. My school life....compare me with my cousin and sister....they are great in academic and my parents expect me to match their achievement. When comes to learning music, people compare me with my sister...she has it all...talent in music and a good voice to sing....what am I....just like a beggar off the streets....why does my whole life have to be compare with this and that person...am I that tiny or so poor in term of skill or character that I don't have any small part that I can charm people....what really makes me sad is that my life is just like a robot...people nearest to me have remote control to have control over me....all they need to do is just press a button...does they care how I feel...I feel bored in giving in about this matter....they feel this and that is the best for me but they never ask me whether is this what you wanted or is this the best for you....I struggle to please them...there is only two place for me to do what I wish to do....first is Kampar....the place where I study and the second are this blog...where I can express what and how I feel...life seem like so pathetic to me....I really very happy when my friends celebrated my birthday with me because after living 17years of rejection...finally I can get this group of true friend....I know time is running out as they are graduating soon....I wish to apologize to my girlfriend for choosing them over you at this moment....I love you but I cherish them because they have been with me for four years not merely as friends or companion but also a special bond that cannot be explain as we fight together since foundation with the aim to graduate....

To my dearly girlfriend,
I'm sorry if phone calls or msn or whatever communication way that we are using now cannot pleases you as you wish to see me more. You did nothing wrong with this hope but is me who let you down from time to time....I hope you understand that I'm trying to strike balance between you and my friend....I have to admit that I'm poor at it. Disappoint you really break my heart....at times I question God and ask Him why separate us....He really put a test for me....many moments that I'm down and wish to find you to talk off but seeing you so tired after off from work....I just keep it to myself as I know you didn't good life after whole day working....and at times I wish to cheer you with jokes and stories or excite you by telling you what special event that I have done.....all of those seem like can't stimulate you...I'm glad when you share your problem with me....nowadays...I seldom can know what you're doing...I sent few messages then you only reply and I don't blame you cause previously I did something wrong I guess or the work already drain you out and you need a time out....out of frustration...I wish to tell you but I don't deserve yet cause you sacrifice more than I do....just please bear with me and what nonsense that I have cause or done...